Today I called my grandmother on my dad’s side for the first time in a long time. Our birthday is coming up in April, so I figured it would be a good thing if we spoke. We have never had the closest relationship, but it’s not terrible. This is the first time we spoke in practically two months, so when she asked me if I had stolen an album of old, family and marriage photos I was stunned and really had the urge to bitch slap her through the phone (I know it doesn’t help things much, but these were my gut reactions).
My grandma says “Now I don’t want you to be upset Dawn. I want the truth from you and I will not be mad if you are telling me the truth. We haven’t been able to find a photo album and you are the only person that could have taken it.” I of course told her that I didn’t take it because I don’t do that shit, but I could tell by the tone of her voice that she didn’t believe me, which I was expecting. I know that I was reckless at times as a kid, but was I that bad? I don’t even know why she would ask, if she is so sure that I am a horrible granddaughter. Of course my perfect, angel cousins could never do anything like this.
I’ve always been accused of doing the wrong thing and being a bad influence by my dad’s family and I guess that’s why my dad doesn’t talk to them much either. Their mental neurosis are fucking blatant however, and it just rubs me the wrong way their holier-than-thou attitudes. They’re Catholic, so it’s no surprise. Not all Catholics are like this, but an overwhelming amount of them are.
I laugh at them because they are ill with the fever of self-pity and fake struggles. Everything has been so tough on this poor family that lives in a McMansion in New Jersey. Granted, they have had real struggles like anyone, but how sorry can I feel when many of their problems could have been prevented in the first place? Were I to expose the crimes committed onto my cousins by my aunt, it would destroy her. I’m not looking to destroy her, but one of these days I really want to give her a piece of my fucking mind.
I do feel kind of bad for my cousins and grandma. My cousins I feel bad for because they were ever allowed to do anything, even remotely cool. I mean, Jesus Christ they weren’t allowed to watch the Rugrats. I feel bad for my grandma because she was misdiagnosed as a young lady and told to sleep her life away on the couch and she developed diabetes which has been slowly killing her for thirty years and she just has had in general bad luck, and little control over her life.
I almost ended up living with them when I was a kid, as my parents were divorcing. I am so glad it never happened. I can’t imagine how emotionally fucked up I would be if I had to live with them in Garbageland. Needless to say, this phone call greatly aggravated me and ignited memories that I wish weren’t there. Now I’m sitting in this small room alone and I feel like everything is hopeless and that everything around me is deteriorating into shit.