And life starts over again

Today I called my grandmother on my dad’s side for the first time in a long time. Our birthday is coming up in April, so I figured it would be a good thing if we spoke. We have never had the closest relationship, but it’s not terrible. This is the first time we spoke in practically two months, so when she asked me if I had stolen an album of old, family and marriage photos I was stunned and really had the urge to bitch slap her through the phone (I know it doesn’t help things much, but these were my gut reactions). 

My grandma says “Now I don’t want you to be upset Dawn. I want the truth from you and I will not be mad if you are telling me the truth. We haven’t been able to find a photo album and you are the only person that could have taken it.” I of course told her that I didn’t take it because I don’t do that shit, but I could tell by the tone of her voice that she didn’t believe me, which I was expecting. I know that I was reckless at times as a kid, but was I that bad? I don’t even know why she would ask, if she is so sure that I am a horrible granddaughter. Of course my perfect, angel cousins could never do anything like this.

I’ve always been accused of doing the wrong thing and being a bad influence by my dad’s family and I guess that’s why my dad doesn’t talk to them much either. Their mental neurosis are fucking blatant however, and it just rubs me the wrong way their holier-than-thou attitudes. They’re Catholic, so it’s no surprise. Not all Catholics are like this, but an overwhelming amount of them are. 

I laugh at them because they are ill with the fever of self-pity and fake struggles. Everything has been so tough on this poor family that lives in a McMansion in New Jersey. Granted, they have had real struggles like anyone, but how sorry can I feel when many of their problems could have been prevented in the first place? Were I to expose the crimes committed onto my cousins by my aunt, it would destroy her. I’m not looking to destroy her, but one of these days I really want to give her a piece of my fucking mind. 

I do feel kind of bad for my cousins and grandma. My cousins I feel bad for because they were ever allowed to do anything, even remotely cool. I mean, Jesus Christ they weren’t allowed to watch the Rugrats. I feel bad for my grandma because she was misdiagnosed as a young lady and told to sleep her life away on the couch and she developed diabetes which has been slowly killing her for thirty years and she just has had in general bad luck, and little control over her life. 

I almost ended up living with them when I was a kid, as my parents were divorcing. I am so glad it never happened. I can’t imagine how emotionally fucked up I would be if I had to live with them in Garbageland. Needless to say, this phone call greatly aggravated me and ignited memories that I wish weren’t there. Now I’m sitting in this small room alone and I feel like everything is hopeless and that everything around me is deteriorating into shit. 

that from now on, when ever I browse the interwebs I am going to listen to gypsy jazz. It’s just so soulful and soothing. :D

to gypsy jazz, while contemplating the meaning of life. Life is something that’s meant to be enjoyed, otherwise what’s the point? I’ve been thinking about the future a lot and I wonder what’s going to happen. Times seem turbulent and I wonder if America is due another revolution soon. 

I had such a great time with my eccentric family! I really do love them dearly. I got a whole bunch of really nice, quality pictures if I do say so myself. I learned how to knit and crotchet from my grandma too, though I’m terrible. I’m going back out again to visit mama. :)

I know what must be done. One way or the other things are going to change. I want things to change for the better, so to do that I must chase away these demons that lurk inside of my head. I’m going up to Shrub Oak with my aunt and cousin to visit our grandparents. I hope the fresh air will clear my mind. It can be very dull and boring up there so I’m bringing lots of drawing stuff and reading material. I’ll be back Thursday, not like anyone is paying attention to this. lol

I just want one person to know that I’ll miss him greatly while I’m gone and I know he’ll miss me. It won’t be long until our </3 will be <3 again. 

I felt like life would never take on the semblance of something that is sustainable, but now things are evening out and I feel a little stronger everyday. 

I appreciate my trials and endeavors, for without them I would never learn. 

I’m watching the Inn of the Sixth Happiness. Inspirational movie with a happy ending. Going to listen to the legendary Stefane at Barbes a little later. The best guitarist I’ve ever heard in my whole life. His full name is Stefane Wrembel and if you are reading this I highly suggest you check him out. He plays gypsy jazz. 

It’s always great because his music lifts me out of dreary NY and makes me think I might actually be in Barcelona. Oh, how I wish. </3

I got a book about how to take decent photos and a henna design kit. Yay! :D

http://www.170millionamericans.org/

I don’t know who of my followers reads my posts, but if there are any posts that I’d urge you to read, it would be this one. Public television and radio are the only parts of the media that have no corporate slant or influence. It’s there to enrich our lives with decent programming and our taxes pay for it. Americans who can’t afford $100 per month cable bills need these programs. Who said we need television? I do. Pretty much every house in the United States has a television and it’s how a lot of people get much of their information and entertainment. Nova and a Praire Home Companion are some of my favorite public television/radio shows, they are very valuable in my opinion. I have cable in my house, but channel 13 offers programs that have completely different views from the mainstream media. Getting rid of these shows will hurt America, but who it will hurt most are the poor who won’t have access to thoughtful shows that should be available to everyone and with minimal interruption.

I urge you to sign this petition to save the only forum that is truly for the people on the t.v and airwaves.

It’s a rare thing for me to remember my dreams, so when I do I always want to write them down. Last night I dreamed that I was in a town by the ocean that was under rule by the Nazis. There were a lot of people in this dream. There was Steven, my mom, and myself and a whole bunch of faces. I was hanging out in the dark and I started blowing these multi-colored, glow in the dark bubbles. Why I would have the privilege of blowing bubbles in a ghetto is beyond me, but I guess that it’s just the way my mind sees it. After I got bored with that I walked into this building and was talking to a black dude about something and then I left. I don’t know when the dream changed, but it became daytime. The waves by the beach were really big and spilling into the streets. I was sitting in a car and I didn’t have the door closed all of the way and the water was leaking in. Right at that moment a bald eagle flew over the horizon and out of view. I then got out of the car and went to a building. I found two Nazi fucks and my mom, Steven and I killed them. One was a man and the other was a dwarf. I dressed them both in ridiculous colored clothing and then we made them bleed. You know, I actually don’t remember if we killed them, maybe we just cut them up really bad. Idk. Now I’m not even sure if they were Nazis. Maybe I was a Nazi. Noooooo! :O 

I do have some dreams that I remember, but it’s not on a consistent basis. I wish I dreamed more. There are two places that I’ve been in my dream world that I wish I could visit again. One is another ocean town, but it is very lonely, like it was abandoned or something. The other is a creepy, old house with a lot of corridors and hidden passages. I’m sure I’ll go again one of these nights.