Nothing matters. Really, none of this shit matters. The days go by faster and faster, and become a blur. I cannot tell the difference between yesterday or today, and I don’t see tomorrow being any different. I think the only solution is for me to live on my own and have solitude. Then, and only then, will I feel complete. I’ll know I’m not dragging anyone down, and I’ll only be responsible for my own depression.
I swear, every time I see it it gets better. This time around I actually found myself moved to tears. I was very moved the first time I saw it, but this time around it struck a different chord with me. I think it was that scene at the end where David Bowman the baby is floating in a placenta in outer space. It might have to do with the fact that my mom is trying to convince me that I’m pregnant because I haven’t had my period in months. I keep telling her that I’m not pregnant, and that my ovaries are dead. I also am scared as shit at the thought of bringing another human being into the world when I’m just a child myself.
I don’t think I should fret too much because this has happened before. In 2009 my mom thought I was pregnant because my boobs got really big for no apparent reason. It turned out that I was just a fat fuck, and that was that. I really hope my ovaries are fucked up. I don’t want an abortion. G’ah. What am I gonna do?
I think a distant cousin of mine posted a picture of himself and this lady from the show Mob Wives. lol
I have to do a power point presentation, and my computer doesn’t have it, and it costs $100 or some shit. My aunt is letting me borrow her laptop for the weekend because it has it. She made sure to tell me it was the first computer she ever owned. The thing is though that it has been on the fritz for the past year, and if it breaks it can’t be my fault, unless I intentionally throw it down the stairs.
I was walking to the post office to drop off a letter, and for a moment I was in a trance. I was by the circle, looking down the west side of Prospect Park. It seemed like these gold trees continued on for miles and miles, into an ominous sky. I so wished I had taken my camera with me, but it probably looked better in my mind than it would have in a picture. I was staring at this beautiful site, and this Russian lady in her car says “Do you need a ride?” I politely said no, and she said sorry for disturbing me. It was a nice gesture, but I really wish that I didn’t look so helpless and pathetic. :/
My mom gave me some old pictures that I had taken from 2007 to 2009. A lot of them aren’t here. It makes me kind of sad I guess, but it’s probably a good thing in the end. There was no one in those pictures that I could say was my friend, but I guess I wished it could have been at the time.
Stevie Wonder says I woke up the other night and just started singing, and went right back to sleep. I really wish he could get a recording of me doing random things in my sleep because he tells me that I do shit like this at least once a week.
Georgie was just perched on top of my shoulders. He’s done that since he was a kitten. He only gets really lovey and cuddly when he wants food, but he’s still my baby. I didn’t go to my therapy because my therapist honestly pisses me off, and I want to get another one.